The Choice
by AT Fan
Summary: My take on the Grace episode. My attempt to explain Jack's actions in that episode. Season seven. S/J Ch. 3 now up.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Notes: Blame this on me re-watching Grace and totally getting Jack in that episode

Spoilers- Grace and up to season Ten

Pairing Sam/Jack

Disclaimer- Not mine just borrowing they belong to MGM and SCIFI but a girl can wish right?

The choice

Teal'c was right I couldn't stand it when Carter was missing it was like a piece of my heart was gone God it hurts so bad and I just want to take her and make love to her and never let her go but I know that now is not the right time for us. Sam Carter has wormed her way into my heart and I know she is there to stay. I meant it when I said I would rather die than lose her but I also know Sam doesn't feel the way about me. She cares for me and is attracted to me but she doesn't love me.

It's not her fault, in some ways her messed up childhood is to blame and in others I'm sure Jonas didn't help. I know what I have to do in order to make it work between us I'm just not sure I am strong enough to do it. I have to let her experience an adult relationship where she is loved and she loves back it is the only way. If we get together now we would have some great times but it wouldn't last. She has to be able to love me back and receive love in return, right now she can't. I keep telling her to get a life but I doubt she realizes my motivation.

I have to let her go so she will hopefully come back to me stronger and able to love. Right now she doesn't see herself as deserving anyone's love. Everyone she's ever loved hurt her in some way. Jacob, by leaving her alone to cope with her mother's death, Mark, by not accepting her choice of careers and the big one, Jonas by controlling her and hurting her physically as well as emotionally, all the men in her life hurt her and didn't love her unconditionally. I doubt a shrink could help her learn to love again and receive love but I know she needs that and she wouldn't accept it from me. So I am going to do the only thing I can do I am going to let her go.

I am sitting here watching her sleep and hoping that her head injury didn't damage any of her wonderful brain. I want to tell her how much I still care and that I will always be there for her but I can't. So I settle for brushing the side of her hand and gently brushing away some of the tiny hairs that are cascading over her brow.

She awakens even with my gentle touch so I quickly step away not wanting her to see the love that I know is reflecting in my eyes. I try my best to school my expression but the joy of seeing her awake betrays me.

"Jaack,"

Oh God oh God oh God she said my name, years of waiting and hoping and she says my name. Now is not the time I remind myself. It would be so easy to just wrap my arms around her tell her I will retire so we can be together and wait for her response. But my heart tells me it won't be easy but hopefully it will be worth what I am now going to do.

"Excuse me", I say cringing to myself that I sound like the biggest jerk on the planet.

Sam is confused for a second but soon pops out her standard, sorry, Sir

Not wanting her to feel embarrassed I reply,

"Well a head injury will tend to disorient one"

So, not what I really wanted to say to her though. My heart would have said I'm so glad you're okay and never leave me again. I love you I want you I want to grow old together. Have I mentioned my heart is sappy lately?

She is more awake now and trying to thank me.

"For what exactly I wonder but instead say, "Think nothing of it"

"A real conversationalist aren't I"?

I mention that we are planning a big party to welcome her back with cake and did I mention cake?"

Way to go O'Neill like she really cares about cake, I amaze myself sometimes. I don't give her a chance to tell me anything else but I wonder how she survived out there alone for three days and still managed to figure out how to get home. She is looking at me with a cat got the canary expression on her face, like she knows something I don't. I try not to get lost in her blue sapphire eyes and I look away quickly. As I leave the infirmary I shove my hands in my pocket to keep myself from touching her and turn away so she doesn't see the hurt reflected in my eyes.

In the end she ended up making the choice to let me go. Some weeks later on the elevator, she is smiling and humming. My brain tells me this is a good thing but my heart isn't so sure. I end up not being able to resist not knowing and blurt out, so "humming?"

"I am?" she says

Then I say, "You are."

Genius that I am yeah, right. Do I really want to know why she is humming?

She says, "Sorry"

I am not sure why she is always apologizing to me but anyway I decide to go for it.

"What's his name?"

"Now why would…"

Denial my name is Sam I think to myself.

I remind gently,

"Humming"

She blurts out, "Pete"

I go with my dumb act, "Pete?"

Suddenly I am not so sure I really want to know who Pete is.

"Pete Shannahan, he's a cop."

"Speeding again are we?"

Denial thy name is O'Neill as I remind myself I really do want her to experience love but now I am not so sure my heart will survive it.

"He's from Denver, a friend of my brothers" as she is avoiding looking at me

"Hmm, is she embarrassed about this?"

"Setup" I can't resist knowing the truth.

"Pathetic, I know"

Why is she always _so_ down on herself? I decide to make her feel better about the situation.

"No, it's great"

Shewillcomeback, shewillcomeback maybe if I keep repeating to myself it will come true.

"Really?"

"Isn't it?"

I have really got to learn to control my mouth, and my heart is breaking even though I know she needs to do this I didn't think it would hurt this much I have to get out of this elevator.

"Well it's not serious or anything" she quickly replies still not making eye contact.

"And yet it is humworthy"

Jeez, am I harping or what?

"Sir…

If I never hear that word again it will be too soon if only she would call me something else anything else…

"Oh, Carter it's none of my business. I'm just happy that you're happy about something other then...quarks."

Quarks where in the hell did I get quarks from oh well it made her smile and I live for Carter smiles

"Excellent"

Dammdammdamm I didn't want excellent okay maybe, but excellent oh no, what have I done?

"A bit uncomfortable isn't it?"

I really didn't mean to say _that_ out loud

"Yeah a bit" she replies

Somehow I doubt that she meant to say it either, thankfully the elevator finally reaches level 23 and I can get off.

"Good luck" is my final words when I really want to say nonono

As I walk to the briefing room I realize this is going to be very hard and I stubbornly wipe my sleeve quickly erasing any wetness there. It wouldn't be easy to explain.

"Yeah I am crying because my 2IC my life, finally got one of her own, I wonder how long it will be until she starts to love someone, someone other than me."


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

It has been nearly two weeks since Detective Shannahan, I can't bring myself to call him by his first name was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got himself a free pass into the workings of Cheyenne Mountain and what we really do there.

Funny I never considered the impact my decision to let him in on the secret would make in my life hindsight is a bitch. So now Carter is dating Pete and I am second thinking my decision to let her go. I just got word that he tried to do a background check on her and it is killing me that I can't tell her.

I keep reminding myself that in the big future my future hell, hopefully our future this slight bump in the road will be worth it.

Of course the fact that current said bump is feeling like an avalanche of major proportions spinning out of control shouldn't matter, right? I watch as she leaves on time again and find myself feeling the slightest bit jealous.

I could never seem to drag her away from her doohickeys but suddenly _he _arrives on the scene and she is leaving early and not confusing me during briefings, I am starting to have a bad feeling my brilliant plan is backfiring in a major way.

I put on my soldier face and start on my mountain of paperwork. One thing I have noticed is the tension between us has lessened to the point of almost feeling comfortable around each other again. Before the zartaccy thing ,before everything had to be hidden and flirting became non-existent replaced by a general uneasiness.

Hell, I was afraid to hug her for fear everyone would know how I felt about her. That is just _wrong _on so many levels I am hugger and I like to think they kinda make up for me not always being able to say what I am feeling.

Sam I can call her that since she is not here right now, just left for the Alpha site to spend some quality time with her Dad the Tok'ra Selmac. I still have trouble imagining a goa'uld inside the father of my 21C who is so much more to me. Still I am glad that her father is alive and sometimes I think he is the only Tok'ra I can trust.

With Carter working on the super soldiers weapon maybe the threat from them will lessen. Also, the benefit of not having her here seeing her face light up and knowing that I am not the one causing it even though I miss her terribly.

I know that I would not be able to face this place or go off world without her. My instincts was telling me something was wrong I just couldn't figure out what . Bad news came in the form of General Hammond just hours later.

Oh God the Alpha where Carter was supposed to be relatively safe was being attacked.

"Approximately 20 minutes ago, the approach of Goa'uld ships prompted the evacuation of the Alpha site," he calmly stated but I could see the sadness in his eyes. Carter was like a daughter to him and I could tell he was worried way more than he let on.

It took every bit of my training not to beg Hammond to let me go immediately to rescue Carter but I knew our chance of succeeding would be much better with a good plan and Intel.

"How many people got out?" secretly hoping and praying Carter was one of the lucky ones.

Hammond's news was dire, "casualty reports are still coming from the Beta site but at least 90 people are still missing including Riley the base commander.

Trying not to dwell on the obvious, I blurted out, "I thought the Alpha site was secret?"

Daniel replied, "They'd get there in a Tok'ra ship, it's a completely new address.

Hmm, so not on the Abydos cartouche but we had Tok'ra spies before so…

"Yet evidently, somehow the Goa'uld had discovered our presence"

Leave it to T'man to state the obvious.

It turns out the Malp is on its side somehow so there is the perfect hiding place when we come through the gate.

As we exit the hole, Daniel say's "Wow".

My thoughts exactly, try not to dwell on the utter destruction I see but rely on my training. That's it shut off all emotions I can't afford to think about Sam right now.

Teal'c mentions that it doesn't look like an aerial blast no they did this deliberately, I can tell I have seen it before. My black op days flash before me.

We are definitely on the same page as Teal'c surmises what my guy was telling me they set off the self destruct to ensure the Alpha Site would not fall into enemy hands.

Reynolds says, "

Who could have survived this?"

I don't bother with any answer. "Need to split up and look for survivors" but in reality I figured retrieval of the bodies, still in denial and desperately hoping to be wrong just this once please God let me be wrong. As my heart clutched, I was painfully aware that if I had to bring her home in a body bag my life would be over.

Pushing those morbid thoughts aside, I issue the order to move out.

Some time later we do manage to find twelve people injured but still alive and my joy at finding them alive dims when I realize Carter is not part of this group.

As my team continues to search, we find Jacob but to my surprise he has no idea where Carter is either. He hands us a weapon to use against the super soldiers and informs us that Sam has the fully charged one.

Oh God they would be certainly be hunting her if she survived the initial blast. Time was definitely not on our side.

We arrange transport of Jacob and the other wounded including Major Green back to the SGC and continue our search.

Teal'c spots what he thinks could be Carter's boot print.

Please let her be alive I think silently.

My radio is suddenly informing that the UAV has been shot down.

We head in the direction of the shots, and find Carter injured but very much alive. I cannot help myself saying" c'mere. "

Right now I could care less who sees us and what they think the women I love more than anything almost died and dammit I am going to give her what she needs right now and damm the consequences.

As she rests her head on my shoulders I forget about Pete and our problems and relish in the closeness and unique smell of Carter.

For just a little while all is right with the world and I get a silly grin on my face. Carter is almost passed out so she doesn't notice and I find myself wishing that things were different and I could kiss her right now but I settle for touching her shoulder and thigh and putting my arm around her thinking even now she is the possibly the sexiest woman alive.

Soon we will have to go back to the SGC and try to salvage relations with the Jaffa and Tok'ra but for now this little piece of heaven, I am going to enjoy it. I snuggle in closer and relish the feeling of skin to skin contact. As I look into her eyes and see a woman who survived impossible odds I am reminded of just how special she is. I wish I could tell her how much she means to me and my dreams for the future. Now is not the time, and she is barely coherent so I bide my time and hope the waiting will not be for much longer.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam is recovering from her ordeal and my plan to let her spread her wings has backfired. She is happy I guess and that's what matters.

Never mind that I am miserable. "What does she see in _him?"_

The guy can never appreciate how she is lethal with a weapon but able to fix almost anything. Charm the pants off everyone she meets yet remain oblivious to her beauty.

Wanting to be treated as an equal yet is seen as feminine. She is caring and considerate never spiteful; always willing to do anything for a friend, including risking her own life to save someone else's.

Pete may get part of her but not all of her and she deserves more. I want her to realize that a relationship based on lies or half-truths is no relationship. A person who doesn't know all of her cannot truly love her the way I do. Instead of learning and growing she is settling for something that **will not **make her happy. I am afraid I may too late.

Oh well I guess she deserves better than an old washed up flyboy, but this flyboy happens to love her with all my heart. God after Charlie I thought I would never love again and I was wrong. It took almost dying on Abadyos to make me realize how precious life is. I want to take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her but I know I can't. She has to fight for us and I can't do it for her

I see the way she looks at him with desire in her eyes and I know he is fulfilling her physical needs but what about the emotional ones? It hurts to see her with someone else knowing they can touch her in a way I can't. In her eyes I can see the truth her smile doesn't reach her eyes and I don't think she even realizes it but I know better. I have seen the 100 watt full on Carter smile and that is not it. No matter what anyone says until I see her smile _that _way at Pete I will have hope. I just hope I am not too late.

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

I decide to stop by Carter's lab today to see how she is doing she hasn't eaten at our table or tried to confuse me with technobabble lately and I am worried. She has definitely been keeping her distance and even our mild harmless flirting has stopped. It seems like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and that fake smile, the one she has had since spud boy made his appearance, is in full force.

As I peer in her lab I notice she is not there in fact the sentries have reported that she has left on time every day for the past two not that I am keeping track or anything. Oh well there is always tomorrow. I grab my jacket and head back to my office to pick up some things to work on at home. As I am turning around I run smack into Carter, uh Sam and damm she smells good. She backs away and she has this look in her eyes and I know whatever she has come to say does not bode well for me. The fake smile is gone and a grimace of sorts is on her face as well as a look of confusion maybe. Oh God if Carter is confused about something it is not good.

I decide to lighten the mood.

"Carter"

"Sir"

I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words: I need that report.

Right! Um, I just need to, er, finish typing up my notes. (She rummages through the paperwork on the desk.) Uh, yeah, I'll have it for you first thing tomorrow.

_Carter always has her reports ready what is going on with her? Maybe I don't want to know._

"It is tomorrow."

_Carter looks confused and she is never confused what is going on?_

The confused and dazed look is still present along with the sparkle she gets when she is trying to think of one of her brilliant ideas.

Not thinking of what I am saying I blurt out,

I'm joking! I don't need the report!

"You haven't tried to confuse me with any technobabble lately"?

The deer in the headlights expression is still present and she isn't saying _anything_.

She is biting her lip in concentration, well,

_Uh oh here it comes, the part where she tells me it is over and she really never cared about me._

_My eyes can't even look in her direction I will give everything away and I can't this has to be her decision. God it would be so easy just to take her in my arms and let her know __**exactly **__how I feel and how much I love her but I can't …_

Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of a small black box and my heart hammers into my chest. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. This can't be happening, but it is I have lost her for good this time.

"Pete gave me this"

I put on my best fake smile and before I know it I blurt out, "People usually wear these on their fingers…"

_God can I be anymore moronic, humor isn't going to help however her next words give me some hope._

"I haven't said yes."

"And yet you haven't said no."

_Way to go O'Neill just be a jerk why don't you?_

_Do I still have a chance? My brain overloads my mouth as usual and I say,_

"I told him I needed to think about it"

"And"

_Oh yeah first class jerk, but my mouth is so dry I can't think or say anything else. _

"That was two weeks ago."

_Are you waiting to see what I think? I know in my heart that the fact she has waited to say yes gives me some hope but my sadness is threatening to overwhelm me and I retreat into my safe place._

"Ah"

_Wordsmith O'Neill strikes again._

Y'know, all these years I've been concentrating on work -- I just assumed that one day I would...

"Have a life"

_Jeez man I am bitter _

"Yeah"

_Oh this is not good anytime Carter is reduced to one syllable words…_

"Yeah"

_I say it with feeling and hope our silent communication thing is working, If only I could tell her I don't want to get a life with anyone but me._

"And now it comes down to it, I don't know. I mean, every time we go through the Gate, we risk not coming back. Is it fair to put somebody else through that?"

"Pete is a cop; I think he could handle it"

_What are you doing? I can't believe I just defended __**him. **__I have officially lost yep one fry short of a happy meal are you happy Carter? _

She looks at me funny.

"What about kids?"

_No she did not just ask me __**that**__ question. How could I tell her I dream about that, what they would look like act like…?_

_I would retire in a minute if I thought that she actually felt the same way about me._

"What about kids?"

I choke on my saliva.

_Should I tell her that I've even imagined what ours would like? Nah don't want to freak her out. I opt for the safer answer._

"Do I take maternity leave and then come back? What, do I drop the baby off at daycare on my way to some unexplored planet on the edge of the Crab Nebula?"

_Crab what? I am smiling imagining our baby's first day at daycare then quickly come back to reality, nope I can't influence her no matter how much I want to. I school my face into an impenetrable mask and continue. The baby card? I still can't believe she mentioned it? Moving on_

Carter, there are people on this base who have families

_Ways to go O'Neill now just shove her right into his arms since you are incapable of rational speech right now. Does she know how hard this is for me? I want to kiss her senseless and tell her that we could work it out but this is something I can't do for her. _

"What about you? If things had been different ..."

She is looking straight at me right now and all I can think is,

"I wouldn't be here right now"

_That part is true; I would retire in a minute if I thought this thing between us could work. Heck all I wanted her to do was experience a good relationship one in which both people cared for each other equally and not a dominant submissive one like with Jonas I know something awful happened to her but like everything else in our lives it remains locked behind that Damm door._

I want to say more when I see the look of total desolation on her face. But I can't.

We both leave quickly neither looking at the other.

Sam's POV

Oh God, Pete asked me to marry him. Do I love him? I think I could given some time.

This is the first relationship in which I have felt like an equal. Pete respects me but I wonder sometimes just how he would react to Solider Sam instead of my more girly side. I sense he is the type that would want to protect me he might be surprised that I could take him in a hand to hand combat fight.

Does he know how I can kill? Does he realize I have saved the world? Can he accept the part of me that is Jolinar? I know O'Neill doesn't like him and I know why but that doesn't make it any easier. I tell Pete that I need some time which is true. I can't say yes yet. In my heart I know why.

I am tired of waiting I deserve to be happy with someone even if they aren't Jack. Pete is comfortable and safe, but love well that is a different matter these feelings for Jack just won't go away if anything they are growing even when he is sarcastic and rude I know it because he doesn't want me to see how much he cares. Damm stupid zartec test, if only we could have kept it buried that was definitely not the way I wanted him to tell me.

Pete has shown me what a relationship could be like and it is nice to be able to come home to someone, have someone to share my bed, my life but so much will have to remain a secret between us. Can I deal with that, can Pete? Is it fair to expect him to?

When I kiss Pete well, it is nice but there is no spark no burning desire. He looks at me with love in his eyes and I can't return that love. It is so unfair I want to tingle, and feel desire for him but I can't. Somehow I manage to be convincing and he does make me feel sexy and desired. Is this it? Will I never get to be truly happy? Do I have to settle for less because the man I really want is off limits to me?

It is so unfair. When Jack just brushes up against me tendrils of desire envelope me and it is all I can do to stop from kissing him. I melt when he hugs me. I really thought that Super Soldier was going to kill me but he didn't Jack saved me again.

I am selfish I guess because I don't want to give up the SGC but there is so much more left to do. I can't let Anubis win, even if that means settling for less. I need to talk to Jack and find out how he feels. I need to tell him in person before he finds out through the SGC grapevine.

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Jack didn't give anything away not that I really expected him to but a girl can hope. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe Jack doesn't see me in that way. I couldn't tell that at the Alpha Site though. I was hurt and in pain but lying there with my head on his shoulder felt well, perfect no where else I would rather be.

In that moment I knew I had my answer. I couldn't marry Pete it wouldn't be fair to me or him. Even if we have to wait to be together I have to tell Jack how I feel.


End file.
